dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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