I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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