Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
