Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
