but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
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I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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