My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
