My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
