Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
