she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
