It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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