I don't usually arrange sex via text message
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
