the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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