The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
