should my penis look like a turkey
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
