His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
