im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
