I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
