I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
