Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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