I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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