after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
