Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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