what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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