She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
