I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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