i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
