I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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