Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
