If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
