It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
