She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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