We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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