seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
