I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
