Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
