good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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