i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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