i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize