There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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