Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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