I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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