I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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