did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight