Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!