a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
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do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
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Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon