not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
