this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
