Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
