You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
