the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
