What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
