Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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