Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
