we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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