i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
