We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
