Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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