At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
