thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
