I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
