well I can't set my house on fire every night
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
