My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Enjoy the penises
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
